Suppression of self

For as long as I can remember, I have been a fragmented being. I have never been at one with myself or at peace with myself. Internal/mental and emotional conflict has eroded me into the person I am today. I am dissonant. I recently did a brain exercise (suggested by my gender therapist). It was a complete disaster. Up until this point I had no idea how much damage was done to my brain/mind over the years, both physical and mental. These exercises point to a gaping chasm between the two hemispheres of my brain. How did this damage occur? I am investigating it.
Today a very dear friend shared a post on facebook that brought me to a moment of clarity on the subject.

Trust...Trust is what caused the rift...Trust (or a lack of it to be precise). Trust of those closest to you... Trust of yourself...Trust of society itself...Trust of a higher power...whatever that may mean to you...
In short I trusted that others knew me better than I knew myself. From our birth on we learn to let others define us and guide us, We come to depend on them and form bonds with them. For most of us this is our family. Later on it becomes friends, classmates, coworkers and lovers. We are conditioned from an early age to fit in. Be like everyone else. Follow a set of guidelines both written and unwritten to establish a cohesive sustainable community. The needs of the many out weigh the needs of the few or the one. Vulcan logic perhaps, but clearly a human practice and dare I say value. So how does trust, or a lack thereof, damage a mind/body and spirit on such a massive level? Negative words and attitudes reinforced by several people that you have come to love and trust.
Trust of others (Especially at very young ages) makes us question ourselves. Our essence is chipped away until it takes a form more palatable to the rest of the community. We are taught to deny ourselves for the sake of everyone else. How can such a noble act be so damaging? In denying our true nature and pretending to be like everyone else we create the illusion of "Normal". ...This just in..."Normal" does not exist... We created a society that suppresses diversity. (Thankfully, I think the human race as a whole recognizes this and is trying to change for the better.) From the first time we hear "no", we are being conditioned to behave a certain way. This is not a bad thing of course, however it can be if we introduce our own negativity and prejudice. In my particular case, I was brought up in a sea of negativity and hate. I developed by observing and listening as well as by a belt. As far back as I can remember I always thought of myself as a girl. I learned by observation, listening and direct intervention that I was not. Furthermore, It was not acceptable to perceive myself this way. I say this because I believe that this single reality in my childhood set me on the path to being the mental mess I am today. I can say that the last few years of my life have improved me greatly and for that I am thankful, But the Idea that I was not allowed to "Think"or "feel" something because it may upset someone is the root of the problem. It is not so much what I was thinking and feeling so much as it was that I was doing so without permission or approval. I have told some of my closest friends that I can't control what I think or feel, Only how I react to it. I have been conditioned to apologize for thinking and feeling. This is a problem. I am sure this is the case with a vast number of other people in the world as well. The effects of this are that the two hemispheres of the brain stop communicating. I have problems visualizing things. Exercises that are meant to stimulate communication between the two sides of my brain are useless. So what does trust have to do with that? Our truth is known only to us. No one else knows what it is like to be us. People indoctrinate and condition their children into their beliefs and ideas rather than guide their children to finding their own beliefs and ideas. It is OK to teach children "facts" but maybe we should all lighten up on the way we taint them with our past experiences and negative notions. Words are powerful. Every time anyone I trusted and loved shared a negative comment about gays, sissies, ethnic minorities (and even majorities), Every time a negative comment was made about some one, the music I liked or the movies and TV shows that I watched, I felt guilty for liking those things and /or being those things. This growing guilt caused me to distance myself from everyone around me both physically and emotionally. The guilt of not thinking and feeling like those around me led me to live a lie. For forty years I lived a life of doubt, guilt and self loathing for having thoughts and beliefs that contradicted everyone else's. It was all so logical. (The Division of mind grew...Logic verses Feeling) I believe that there are a large number of folks like myself that are bound in much the same way. I believe the first step to creating a better world for our children is to break these bonds and free ourselves. The more open we are about our differences, The better chance we have to create positive change. The parents of the child in the above photo have created that positive change in their child's life. By allowing their child to "Think" and "Feel" without guilt or shame, This young individual has a good shot at a complete and fulfilling existence. There is a good chance the child will be more self aware and at one with her/himself. Isn't that what we want for all the worlds children? The "Suppression of Self" (still considered a noble act) is in fact a cancer that eats away at the collective self esteem of our society. How many suicides are committed by people with good jobs and loving families? A lot...Why? Because the suppression of self and the subsequent lie that they end up living is an empty existence. At some stage it all becomes pointless. How many of you feel guilt for simply thinking something or feeling something? Were you conditioned to think or feel that way? Are you attuned to your true self or do you also live a dissonant life? What can we do to heal? I don't honestly know. Maybe if we are all open and honest about who we are and what we really feel, those around us who feel the same way will no longer feel the need to deny themselves. Trying to undo damage that has contributed to this division of logic/feeling, mind/spirit, conscience/ sub-conscience, Is going to take time. I don't even know where to start. I must learn to trust that I am entitled to think and feel what ever I think and feel. It is OK to feel and think illogical things. It is ok to be insecure about it. It is not OK to let others opinions override what I know about myself and others. ...Wish me luck on my quest to find a harmonious balance of mind/body and spirit. I wish everyone the best of luck in this quest as well should you have the courage to embark on it too.